Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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