Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
