one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
