Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
there is glitter all over my balls
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
