At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
