who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
