You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
