The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
