i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
