My sheets look like a crime scene.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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