Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
