He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize