Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
