Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
