The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
