I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
