I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
