I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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