allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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