Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You took a bar mat shot.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
