I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
