I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
