seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
