I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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