I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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