So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
