theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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