i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
