Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
