Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
