Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
