There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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