ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
