dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My pussy is not your playground.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
