Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
