I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
