It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
