if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize