I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
