I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
