also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
