I think my vagina is haunted
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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