Who did Billy Mays play for?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
