one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
