he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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