the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
