i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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