he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just had sex on a roof
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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