the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im having a threesome with these popsicles
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
