i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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