I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
