Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
