I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
