i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
