I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It was like giving head to a cactus.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
