what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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