There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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