The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
