Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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