It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
