i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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