Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
