I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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