y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
