Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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